What Is Denial? - It Is Kind Of Like Being Asleep

Denial is Like Not Being Awake

My sleep is useful. My sleep dreams allow me to explore lands, relationships, powers and abilities that I may not ever know in "real life". It is a safe place and an undirected discovery of my unconscious mind. My sleep is more often rich with cues and lessons that I cannot see when I am awake.

Being "asleep", however, does not benefit my "awake" state when I am unconscious of my waking actions.  What happens when a part of me is asleep while I am up and about during the day? My conscious mind perceives best without illusion. But sometimes my emotional self isn't ready for my full attention. I act or think in a way that is remote from my actual attention.

This is what denial is for me. My experience of denial is that the rest of me, the most of me, is aware of what I am doing. It is aware of my actions and my choices even when they are detrimental! I may be, in fact, turning a blind eye to what I am doing that is harmful. This is not intentional. In fact, that is part of the problem; the action and the choice are not in line with my life intentions.  And I just don't see it. That blindness can harm me: my emotional, energetic, spiritual or physical health. 

So what happens? How do I wake up? How do I open my eyes? In my experience it comes in flickers: I am reminded of my life purpose, or my intentions, or my values and notice that what I am doing no longer supports them. Then the curtain falls again. Once more, I see the dissonance between my choices the misalignment with who I want to be. Something in my behavior is not in accord with my values. And for a longer time, I see. And so it goes; aware /unaware. Awake and asleep. Until, miraculously, I make the ultimate change; denial is no longer an "option", I wake up and  I transform.

I think that the greatest illusion that we have is that denial protects us. It is actually the biggest distortion and lie. In fact, staying asleep is what's killing us. Eve Ensler