What Is Denial? - It Is Kind Of Like Being Asleep

Denial is Like Not Being Awake

My sleep is useful. My sleep dreams allow me to explore lands, relationships, powers and abilities that I may not ever know in "real life". It is a safe place and an undirected discovery of my unconscious mind. My sleep is more often rich with cues and lessons that I cannot see when I am awake.

Being "asleep", however, does not benefit my "awake" state when I am unconscious of my waking actions.  What happens when a part of me is asleep while I am up and about during the day? My conscious mind perceives best without illusion. But sometimes my emotional self isn't ready for my full attention. I act or think in a way that is remote from my actual attention.

This is what denial is for me. My experience of denial is that the rest of me, the most of me, is aware of what I am doing. It is aware of my actions and my choices even when they are detrimental! I may be, in fact, turning a blind eye to what I am doing that is harmful. This is not intentional. In fact, that is part of the problem; the action and the choice are not in line with my life intentions.  And I just don't see it. That blindness can harm me: my emotional, energetic, spiritual or physical health. 

So what happens? How do I wake up? How do I open my eyes? In my experience it comes in flickers: I am reminded of my life purpose, or my intentions, or my values and notice that what I am doing no longer supports them. Then the curtain falls again. Once more, I see the dissonance between my choices the misalignment with who I want to be. Something in my behavior is not in accord with my values. And for a longer time, I see. And so it goes; aware /unaware. Awake and asleep. Until, miraculously, I make the ultimate change; denial is no longer an "option", I wake up and  I transform.

I think that the greatest illusion that we have is that denial protects us. It is actually the biggest distortion and lie. In fact, staying asleep is what's killing us. Eve Ensler

What Unlovely Feelings Of Envy Can Tell Us

When I look at something or someone and I think to myself "I want this" or "I want to be like that" or "Why can't I have /be/ do/ look like" something other than I am, do, or appear like; it gives me a clue. It gives me a clue about a direction I wish to take, a skill I want to acquire, a behavior I wish to adopt.

There are two parts to this envy - one is the direction of growth that I should consider in order that envy does not remain a dead end of negative feelings, of exalting another and demeaning myself. 

The other part is to recognize that this thing, this attribute, this "look" came at a price for the other person. They made choices, became educated, gained experience, practiced a certain lifestyle to have whatever it is I want: stuff, wisdom, information, status, "notoriety", skill and so on. If I want that THING - I also need to want the whole package: the dedication, the investment, the work, the discipline and so on.

Be sweet with myself, calm and understanding. If I would like THAT, I must do THIS. If not- celebrate the other person for their dedication and choices for having that which I admire.

Avoidance of envy, if it was ever feasible, is a dinosaur gone extinct. The trick is to steer ourselves toward the emotion’s beneficial side. . . .  envy can bring us closer to what we dearly want to attain, and help us course-correct, if necessary, to get ourselves back on track.

- Louisa Kamps, "In Defense of Envy"

Kyczy Hawk RYT E-500

Author of “Yoga and the Twelve Step Path” , “Life in Bite-Sized Morsels” and “From Burnout to Balance” she continues to submit articles to recovery and yoga oriented publications. Her new book:”Yogic Tools for Recovery: A Guide for Working the Twelve Steps” and it’s workbook are available now.

You can join Kyczy and a host of other people in recovery every Sunday morning at 8am PT (11 am ET) on In The Rooms for the Yoga Recovery meeting.

Kyczy is very proud of her family; husband, kids, and grandkids, all who amaze her in unique and wonderful ways. More about her work can be found at www.yogarecovery.com. 

Being: Just The Way We Are

Sometimes I lead a body scan that I call: "This is what it's like, right now" suggesting that the students experience the body just as it is. We meditate to practice noting our internal world just as it is. 

What if I could combine these practices and view myself - just as I am- without criticism, without wanting to redo the past; without future-casting and planning how I will be in the future. What if I could accept myself just as I am, trusting that change IS happening where it needs to; silently, quietly in the background, without force, without negative internal dialogue, without haste. 

Today- and maybe just minute by minute, I am going to practice being fully and completely myself: just as I am.

When we speak of just sitting, we are not limiting ourselves to describing a particular posture or practice. We are describing a way of being in the world in which everything we encounter is fully and completely itself.

—Barry Magid, "Uselessness"

Kycz Hawy E-RYT 500 is a yoga teacher and author. Her most recent book is "Yogic Tools For Recovery: A Guide to Working the Steps". The workbook will be coming out May 15, 2018. Read more at yogarecovery.com

Becoming Aware and Taking Action

To set the stage: while "defilement" is a strong word- it is as correct as phrases such as "toxic" thinking, or "poisonous" ponderings.  The opposite of defilement is purification. We observe saucha, cleanliness, in yoga and right thinking in recovery.

So: when I become aware of my defects and defenses of un-useful thinking, when I develop expectations, grasping or evasion, I have the gift of becoming aware. In recovery I use the sixth step to acknowledge these, and for a cleaner more wholesome life, a life of less suffering, I look toward the seventh step, look to letting go, turning them over. 

If the holidays create difficulty; if closer family connections bring a painful level of expectations, old communication patterns, "should"s or "shouldn't"s, when advertising creates needs where there previously were none, it is good to remember this. Release the defilements of attachment, aversion, expectation and disappointment.

And as S. Armstrong says: it isn't really enough to see them; I must also practice disengaging from them. This is when the suffering will cease.

Seeing attachment, aversion, expectation, and disappointment as they arise allows the mind to understand and to disengage from them. Awareness breaks the spell; the mind is no longer enchanted when we see the defilement for what it is. When a defilement has no hold on the mind, suffering ceases.Steve Armstrong, Got Attitude?

Kyczy Hawk RYT E-500

Author “Yoga and the Twelve Step Path” and “Life in Bite-Sized Morsels” and “From Burnout to Balance” among others. She is the founder of S.O.A.R.(™) Success Over Addiction and Relapse

Join Kyczy and a host of other people in recovery every Sunday morning at 7am PT (10 am ET) on In The Rooms for the Yoga Recovery meeting.

A leader of Y12SR (Yoga of 12 Step Recovery) classes for nearly five years and a devoted teacher to people in treatment centers and in jail- Kyczy created a teacher training program for others who wish to work in this field.  

More about her work can be found at www.yogarecovery.com.